"Le Baltringue" ~ 1/10

What would anyone expect from a movie written and played by the worst presenter (Vincent Lagaf') on the worst french TV channel (TF1) ?
Of course my intention was not to *have a good time* when going to watch this shit in one of the only two theatres distributing it in Paris. Anyway, I confess that I was challenged by a very good friend of mine, who knows I go see every single movie out on the big screens in France - even these kinds of things the very existence of which is unconceivable. Thus, the aim of this critic is not exactly to tell you that "you ought not go see a movie so dumb you probably did not even want to know it was made", but to respond my friend's desire of reading what could possibly be told about something which does not deserve its mere existence to be told...
So, let us talk about it : not only are the gags totally uninteresting, but also did the direction and editing destroy the rhythm of the few scenes some of the actors were able to perform normally. Philippe Cura was way funnier as the bodyguard in the "Caméra Café" series, and Vincent Lagaf' should have stayed on the (moron-aimed and shitty) most watched television channel in France (where he has always belonged).
The rest of the cast and the absolute stupidity of the movie (written by Samy Nacéri's talentless brother) made me think to these good old sixties' and seventies' french "nanars" with nanar-specialized actors like Paul Préboist, Darry Cowl, Michel Galabru, and so on.
Maybe in 30 years some extracts of this movie will be screened at the 36th "Nuit Excentrique"... Until then, they do not deserve to be watched. Ever.

"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" [fr="G.I. Joe - Le réveil du Cobra"] ~ 1/10

After the "Transformers", it is now Hasbro's other best-selling toy, G.I. Joe, which is brought to the big screen. It seems that, here again, they actually gave some little plastic soldier toys to a bunch of 10 year-old children (I'm being kind here, 10 is perhaps the sum of their brain ages) who then "wrote" a screenplay involving actual man size soldiers (but with no more brain than the toy ones).
America is still showing a complex of inferiority towards France, trying to castrate the latter's big penis (or so the US see it) called "Tour Eiffel". Since their last war against the Iraqi people, it looks like, if French people in Hollywood movies aren't the bad guys, they will have to face the destruction of their capital city anyway. And I do not give a shit about the fictitious destruction of Paris here, but in a movie showing the killing of many soldiers, it does not seem right to show the profanation of the Soldat Inconnu (Unknown Soldier)'s tomb under the Arc de Triomphe...
I will not comment the totally improbable geography of Paris this picture tries to display (again, I am not as paranoid as the American who wrote this crap...), as it happens in so many movies, even french. But I cannot bear the regular Japanese character (played by Chinese and Korean actors, of course) who learned martial arts with a (Hong Kong cinema) kung fu master dressed with garments he borrowed both from a Shaolin warrior monk and from a Shintô monk, all that in a contemporary Tôkyô where an american beggar kid steals in martial arts temples to live (which is absolutely impossible in every way). There has to be a Japanese bad guy here, maybe because Hasbro wanted to punish them Japanese for having drawn such a bad "G.I. Joe" animated series in 1985 ?

Why did they also had to steal a Darth Vader gestapo costume for the sickest bad guy in the movie, the mad doctor who becomes Cobra ? Of course it is always a mad doctor in those kind of movies, because he is American and hence did not have the chance to be taught philosophy in high school ; furthermore, he almost talks like a Nazi - his pronunciation of "Kill all the Joes" is so close to "Kill all the Jews"...
The film ends up with a false American President replaced by a badass moron. It seems, contrarily to the story told in this movie, that the moron actually was already whistling in the White House before the 9/11 attacks.

"Dünyayi kurtaran adam" [fr="Turkish Star Wars / L'Homme qui sauva le monde"] ~ 1/10

This crap might well be the best example of what turkish cinema could produce of worst in the eighties, stealing Hollywood's successes and replacing the north-american propaganda by turkish themes and characters.
Cüneyt Arkin (unrelated to Alan Arkin, nor to Alain Delon) was the biggest star in Turkey, back in those times where kicking some red stuffed giant monster asses, making toilet-paper mummies, or shooting hand-drawn-directly-over-the-film-stock laser beams wasn't that much ridiculous.

Note that this awful 1982 movie, though being one of the worst thing one could possibly watch in a movie theatre (which I actually did, for the fourth time I've been watching this crap, and in France's best movie theatre, MK2 Bibliothèque, s'il vous plaît !), still has many funny things, funny exactly because they weren't intended to be funny, and are most often very mistakenly brought to screen (bad actors, wrong subjects, no story, ridiculous fights, ridiculous -falsely- muslim propaganda, use of "Moonraker", "The Black Hole" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark" 's main themes over "Star Wars" 's stock shots, incoherence between the foreground turkish actors and the background stock shots, or even hand-drawn AND hand-moved opening credits...).
But the worst of all isn't part of this film itself ! It's that it had a sequel 24 years later, which was really worse (a tasteless "navet" -literally, turnip- as we call it in french), because this time it was intended to be a funny parody of the first opus, and thus had completely missed the point of what shall be funny in a "cult bad movie" ("nanar", in french) - hence not being part of the latter category...

Although normal movie-goers wouldn't see such a bad movie very often, this one truly deserves to be watched at least once (it's funny enough not to kill yourself immediately, but I admit that watching only excerpt may suffice), as an introduction to the great world of "nanar" (as we in France call any ridiculously funny bad movie). Trust me (for those who might think they knew what cult bad movies are), even "Plan 9 from outer space" was better !
Anyway, I've seen "Turkish Star Wars" 4 times, and am still alive... But I've seen worse (like for instance : the sequel, and of course the legendary worst film of all times, "Manos, the Hands of Fate").

"Hannah Montana: The Movie" ~ 1/10

This film stole from "Spiderman 2" the idea of a large group of people protecting a superhero's secret; but this time, it's a teenager's unrealistic, immorally selfish, and obscenely luxurious life which is kept in secrecy... Plus, the lack of script leads to completely unjustified situations (but I won't even lose my time to comment about that).

Anybody supporting this movie would pursue a life of almost criminal immaturity.